…Drive Your Man Wild In The Bedroom

Set fire to his pillows
Put laxatives in his tea
Repeat everything he says in a sarcastic, high-pitched voice
Cry; then, when he asks you what’s wrong, laugh
Slam a book shut on his testicles

…Lose Weight In A Hurry

Eat only sand (but not too much sand)
For every calorie you consume, cut off a [...]

The first fish I make is rubbish.
It has no gills, it has no fins,
it looks like a wet sock full of sand
and, what’s more, it can’t swim.
When I throw it in, it just sinks.
Yeah, the first fish I make stinks.

The second fish I make is a little better.
I manage to get a funky kind of [...]

Below are some standard interview questions, each with a range of possible answers. Simply choose the answer that you would give in an interview situation.

Question 1: What do you feel you would bring to the team?
(a) An unquantifiable sense of wellbeing.
(b) An in-depth understanding of almost all sexually transmitted diseases.
(c) A tiny little bowler hat. [...]

I am astonishing.
I am telling you this because you may not have noticed;
I am, after all, far more perceptive than you.
I am also more handsome
and more comfortable in group situations.

My hands are better than your hands.
Your hands look like the hands of a child,
not the kind of hands that could behead a king
or calm a [...]