…Drive Your Man Wild
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In The Bedroom

Set fire to his pillows
Put laxatives in his tea
Repeat everything he says in a sarcastic, high-pitched voice
Cry; then, when he asks you what’s wrong
get your ex back

, laugh
Slam a book shut on his testicles

…Lose Weight In A Hurry

Eat only sand (but not too much sand)
For every calorie [...]

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The first fish I make is rubbish.
It has no [...]

Below are some standard interview questions,
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each with a range of possible answers. Simply choose the answer that you would give in an interview situation.

Question 1: What do you feel you would bring to the team?
(a) An unquantifiable sense of wellbeing.
(b) An in-depth understanding of almost all sexually transmitted diseases.
(c) A tiny little bowler [...]

I am astonishing.
I am telling you this because you may not have noticed;
I am, after all, far more perceptive than you.
I am also more handsome
and more comfortable in group situations.

My hands are better than your hands.
Your hands look like the hands of a child,
not the kind of hands that could behead a king
or calm a [...]