I’m 29 and I spend too much time
Ranking the threats that face human-kind.
It’s my hobby.
Currently I’d put ‘War with the Machines’
at about eight, behind;
1. Superbug (natural)
2. Collapse of the food chain;
3. Rise in sea level;
4. Nuclear war;
5. Superbug (man-made)
6. Meteor strike
and
7. Spontaneous massive release of methane
or ‘earth fart’
Eight. Six if you remove ‘meteor strike’ – a
Wildcard, I accept- and Earth Fart, which really
only got on the list because it’s easily the funniest
and if I was god I would take that into account
War with the Machines is definitely in the top ten
It’s serious. The only thing stopping it from happening
Right now is people like us, and the fact that none of the
technology has been invented.
We’re the same, John; you and I.
We’ve both been at war
since before we were born
we’ve been getting ready our whole lives
I punch the fax machine for no reason
I jiggle my perfectly functioning mouse testily
I drum my fist on the microwave; I let it know
Goddammit, and feel good to be alive and fighting
I make a point of being unnecessarily hard on my phone.
I shake the shit out of it for the slightest failing. I wake
every dawn with the karma of an outnumbered
colonist, and go over my escape routes until lunchtime
Sometimes I see someone shouting at a photocopier
and dare to hope that- with help- they could win the
argument so I stand with them and put my arm around
them because this war is not just about fighting
I once saw a man trying to herd a slow moving
Hatchback down a street with punches and kicks
and shouts. I cheered him on. I respected him.
Fighting cars is toughest. They’re totally implacable.
If you made a list of all the cars that an average
person could defeat in a fair fight it would have
no cars on it. They might not be the smartest
machine, but they’re strong and well disciplined
And they are patient. My father’s Volkswagen knows
When you’re sitting in the seat, and bleeps from the
time you turn the key, to the time you put your belt on
I have seen my father suffer ten risky miles of bleep
before breaking and accepting his fate. My father is strong.
They say that the wise don’t argue with idiots, because
from a distance you can’t tell the difference. And as the
Seatbelt clicks into place again I don’t know if we can win
this war either.