A I S L E 1 6 . C O . U K

Me and my sister

JOHNOSBORNE — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 13:04:59 +0000

I had a dream that me and my twin sister were in a car crash. We both died, but we carried on being alive inside cuddly toys. We were for sale in a toy shop and a little boy came in with his mum and she told him he could pick any two [...]

Manic Pixie Dream Girl

TIMCLARE — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 23:17:11 +0000

‘Manic pixie dream girl (MPDG) is a name given to a type of stock character in films.

Film critic Nathan Rabin, who coined the phrase after seeing Kirsten Dunst in Elizabethtown, describes the MPDG as “that bubbly, shallow cinematic creature that exists solely in the fevered imaginations of sensitive writer-directors to teach broodingly soulful young men [...]

Review of Gauntlet (Atari, 1985)

ROSSSUTHERLAND — Sun, 30 Aug 2009 12:39:20 +0000

“The original Gauntlet was released with no ending. The hundred or so levels were randomised and looped for as long as play lasted. Atari saw Gauntlet as a process, a game that was played for its own sake and not to reach completion. The adventurers continue forever until their life drains out, their quest ultimately [...]

Sunflowers

JOHNOSBORNE — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 00:44:04 +0000

Teach yourself to worry about nothing not to dread new emails in your inbox what kind of letters the postman will bring bills dropping on the porch floor like breezeblocks

Picture your name engraved on a tombstone etched by the day you were born, today’s date. Take ten minutes extra for lunch, go home and don’t apologise for being late

Take a siesta, [...]

5 Ways To…

Joel — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 17:09:42 +0000

…Drive Your Man Wild In The Bedroom

Set fire to his pillows Put laxatives in his tea Repeat everything he says in a sarcastic, high-pitched voice Cry; then, when he asks you what’s wrong, laugh Slam a book shut on his testicles

…Lose Weight In A Hurry

Eat only sand (but not too much sand) For every calorie you consume, cut off a [...]

Down With The Kids

TIMCLARE — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 07:16:45 +0000

The past is another country A crap one, like Belgium Rife with brown-trousered tedium Where no one sees disasters coming Where the phones are big as bricks Where men sleepwalk down aisles with their future ex-wives Where the only telly is repeats

But don’t slag it off Cos I was born on those streets Where my gawky demeanour and penchant for munching Made my peers [...]

Dear John

CHRISHICKS — Mon, 22 Jun 2009 18:47:24 +0000

I’m 29 and I spend too much time Ranking the threats that face human-kind. It’s my hobby.

Currently I’d put ‘War with the Machines’ at about eight, behind; 1. Superbug (natural) 2. Collapse of the food chain; 3. Rise in sea level; 4. Nuclear war; 5. Superbug (man-made) 6. Meteor strike and 7. Spontaneous massive release of methane or ‘earth fart’

Eight. Six if you remove ‘meteor strike’ – [...]

George Alagiah

JOHNOSBORNE — Sun, 21 Jun 2009 12:58:11 +0000

Every day George Alagiah practices saying the same line. The Queen is Dead. The Queen is Dead. The Queen is Dead.

He says it into the bathroom mirror when shaving, he sings it in the shower enunciates every word when driving to work, “We have some breaking news. The Queen is Dead.” He rehearses scenarios: ‘Her Majesty died peacefully in her sleep in the early [...]

Mondeo Man

LUKEWRIGHT — Wed, 27 May 2009 08:04:45 +0000

Last week I walked through Maidenhead suburbs, the houses huddled together in twos like anoraked couples perched on a bench on some Autumn day at the end of a pier.

Past kids playing scrappy 20 a side; lads leaned on Bangra-blaring Golf GTIs; Toyota Corollas with rear-view signs on suckers: Dad’s Taxi, Baby on Board

and If you can read this I’ve lost [...]

When one door shuts, another opens

JOEDUNTHORNE — Mon, 18 May 2009 22:32:48 +0000

Always open, always closed.

T. VAN KANNEL, at the opening of the world’s first three-winged Wooden Revolving Door, Rector’s Restaurant, Manhattan, 1899.

People tried to spin the door in both directions.

GILBERT GASSON, double bassist, following [...]