Instruction Manual for the Dishwasher that my ex-flatmate obviously thought we owned
UNIMPORTANT- PLEASE IGNORE COMPLETELY-
Introduction
Congratulations on finding yourself in a house that somehow contains our latest dishwasher. This manual will talk you through the basic operation of the dishwasher. Used properly, this dishwasher will provide literally weeks of functional service, relieving you of the cumbersome chore of washing dishes. That said, it is still a major drag and nobody would blame you if you couldn’t really be bothered with it all.
1. Getting started
1.1 SAFETY NOTICE
Faulty appliances can kill, but that’s no reason to be a dick just because nobody told you they were faulty and you got a shock that took your nail off, right?
1.2 Connecting the dishwasher
Just kidding. Nobody knows how to do that.
1.3 Getting to know your dishwasher
In the box, you will find a clear bag of spare parts and servicing tools. What are they all about? Kick them under the fridge.
2. Basic Operation
2.1 Opening and closing the door
To open
Squeeze the recessed button in the handle until the catch disengages. This will cause the door to drop slightly. Now, slide your hand into the opening and fling the edge of the door towards the floor as hard as you physically can. The door may make a loud cracking sound. This is perfectly normal and results from it hitting the tiles very hard.
To close
Raise the door to the halfway point with your foot and then kick it repeatedly until the door catch gives way.
2.2 Loading the dishwasher
The dishwasher performs best when every cubic inch of it is filled with heavily soiled crockery. This is because, where most inferior models use water as the principal cleaning agent, this dishwasher runs entirely on vague hope. Vague hope, unlike water, can easily pass through solid objects and is not impeded by gravity. This means you can and should stack deep sided utensils three or four deep in overlapping piles with their open sides facing up or down as fate sees fit.
2.3 Detergent etc
Opinion is still divided on whether dishwashers operate better with or without detergent. This situation is complicated by the ongoing uncertainty on what detergent is and where it is kept. In addition, there’s shit like rinse aid, and salt, which just do not make sense.
2.4 Selecting a programme
This dishwasher has nine different wash programmes, which can be selected by pressing one of the nine programme buttons on the front of the machine. The buttons are labelled in your native language with the actual names of the programmes themselves. Selecting the correct programme is simple: just slap or jab the panel in the approximate area of the programme buttons and then leave the dishwasher unattended for a day.
2.5 Unloading the dishwasher
At the end of the cycle, the dishwasher will open itself, inspect its load for remaining debris (e.g. plastic bags, beer cans, whole chicken carcasses), clean any dirty items by hand, and stack them neatly in the cupboards. It performs this function most effectively when you are passed out on the bathroom floor.
3. Maintenance
The dishwasher, like everything else in the physical world, needs no maintenance. Ever.
This manual is 100% recyclable. Throw it in whatever bin is nearest you when you lose interest in it.