Imagine a pub on some hazy afternoon
with warm autumn sunlight being cast through the room
the second pint started, the discourse fermented
a large group of friends feeling fairly contented
And yet damn the conversation for Luke is not in it
no one’s paid him attention for nigh on a minute
his lips start to quiver and his head starts to dip
then before you know it, Luke stands up and lets rip:
Luke’s got a joke, Luke’s got a story
here comes a witty line about Tories
Luke’s got an outlook it’s best if you listen
one way or another he requires your submission
Let’s cut to a wake, the sound of Spanish guitar
guests more focused on death than on Luke’s repertoire
which simply won’t do so he bellows the question:
who here’s not seen my Austin Powers impression
and without an answer he’s poofed up his hair
stuck out his teeth and said yeah baby yeah
till everyone’s squirming and forcing fake smiles
and wishing someone had breast fed Luke as a child
Luke’s got a joke, Luke’s got a punchline
hear his new theory from the literary frontline
Luke’s got an opinion about a game of sport
He’s not listening to you, he’s just planning retorts
So let’s visit Chez Luke and Luke and his missus
entertaining some guests with coffee and biscuits
and of course Luke holds court like some navel gazed teen
before collecting applause and leaving the scene
A friend takes the chance to recount her weekend, though
as her yarn starts to mount to its witty crescendo
there’s a noise from the doorway and all turn to see
Luke who says: woah, I just done a really long wee
Luke’s got a joke, Luke’s got a gift
for writing himself into those urban myths
remember that weird thing, that one off, that fluke
yeah well that, that actually happened to Luke
He’s so good at the voices just watch him act
it’s like John Cleese is right here in the flat
no no no Luke we don’t think you’re a twat
do your Mrs Doyle that’s brilliant that
no Luke don’t stop, please tell us more
just don’t, you know, “mention the war”
let’s not bother with the Comedy Store
just get Luke to do some of Blackadder 4
Luke’s got a joke, Luke’s got gag
he’ll repeat near verbatim lines from style mags
Luke’s got a verdict, shut up, let him rave
and when he’s finished give him what he craves
If you see a class enthralled in their lesson
or a couple of lovers stealing a second
a group of old buddies chewing the fat
a brace of old dears going yakkety yak
be sure Luke’s not far from these charming vignettes
with a perfect rendition of the dead parrot sketch
or some neat aphorism from the cavernous jaws
of a life that’s just echo and hollow applause.