Fat Josh – his forehead dripped with lard
his manner blunt as bricks
he lead a gang of burly boys
with swear words on their lips
an appetite for violence
and a bigger one for chips
they hung around outside the school
collective gut immense
they yelled, and spat and vomited
and caused untold offence
they robbed pizza delivery boys
then ate the evidence
at school they roamed the playing fields
trying to spoil the fun
on beaches in the summertime
they took up all the sun
they evacuated shopping malls
with odours from their bums
and in this way Fat Josh remained
over-weight and cruel
Pavarotti meets Al Capone
In the dark with power tools
untouchable, that was until
a new girl came to school
Polly was pretty, Polly was kind
Polly was cute and funny
When Polly walked into a room
The room felt really sunny
And every time that girl strolled past
Fat Josh sucked in his tummy
until one day he bit the bullet
Swallowed it, scoffed the pack
Spat into his beefy hand
And slicked his hair right back
He walked straight up to Polly and
he gave her bum a smack
Alright Pol’, wanna be my bird
said Josh with onion breath
Polly smoothed her school skirt down
And trying not to wretch
replied with perfect diction
given the choice, I’d choose death.
And with the laughter of the girls still
Alive within his ears
A heart that seemed as if it had
Been pierced with poison spears
Fat Josh wheezed his way back home
And struggled with his tears
Through long dark evenings of the soul
His bedroom deadly quiet
Until the answer dawned on him
Till Josh could not deny it:
Two words that filled his heart with dread
Exercise and diet.
So he wheezed his way on treadmills
He panted on the bikes
He gave up watching telly and
He went on ten mile hikes
And cried and gnawed his sausage hands
When hunger came to strike
For those who’ve followed diets know
That Burger King’s’s invalid
The rabbit food he had to eat
just left him looking pallid
Love can do some awful things
But few as bad as salad
and so the August days went by
the teachers got a break
lotion fried on pale white skin
at festivals and fetes
till one September day there was
a stirring at the gates
jaws were hanging open cries of
who the hell is that?
familiar grimace on the face
the belly strangely flat
oh my days, it is, it’s Fat Josh
only … he’s not fat
the arms were toned the chest was ripped
his shoulders four foot wide
with chiselled cheeks and thighs like trees
that caused a John Wayne stride
he stalked across the playing field
and stood at Polly’s side
grinning and puffing out his chest
like he’d just won a fight
you thought I’d never do it Pol
his voice shot through with spite
he spat the words like acid phelgm
you’re out with me tonight
You idiot boy! Polly yelled
Which took him by surprise
You belly never bothered me
In fact I like fat guys
or short or thin or ginger ones
it’s just bullies that I despise
and so once again Josh sloped off
knocked around and beat
a moral forming in his head
which I shall now repeat:
you have to change your attitude
not just the things you eat