Below are some standard interview questions, each with a range of possible answers. Simply choose the answer that you would give in an interview situation.
Question 1: What do you feel you would bring to the team?
(a) An unquantifiable sense of wellbeing.
(b) An in-depth understanding of almost all sexually transmitted diseases.
(c) A tiny little bowler hat. It’s too small for a person – maybe it was made for a mouse.
Question 2: Why did you leave your previous job?
(a) I foresaw my own fiery death.
(b) They were all like, hey, do all this stuff, and I was like, no way, and they were like, vamoose.
(c) My hands were too small.
Question 3: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
(a) I underestimate the determination of the Bolivian people.
(b) Anything thinner than a quarter of an inch makes me uncomfortable.
(c) When I throw my head back to laugh victoriously, I expose a vulnerable spot under my chin.
Question 4: Do you have any questions for us?
(a) What’s your favourite Christmas song?
(b) What’s up with your nose? It’s all kind of squooshy, like a bad grape.
(c) A train leaves London at 10:00 travelling at 60 mph. Another train leaves Edinburgh at 12:00 travelling at 80 mph. Assuming each takes the most direct route, who was offered the presidency of Israel in 1948?
IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY (A):
Your boundless optimism is matched only by your astonishing stupidity. Once, you tied the dog’s lead to the back of the car because you thought he could run fast enough to keep up. It has taken you years of counselling to recover. One day, you will start to fall apart and will stand naked in the cold cooked meat section of the supermarket, holding a hammer in your left hand and weeping uncontrollably.
IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY (B):
At the age of thirteen, you experienced what can only be described as a profound religious awakening. In the sky, you saw what you believed to be the face of God and were filled with a sense of indescribable wellbeing. Then you realised it was a blimp. This disappointment was to dog you for the rest of your life. Sometimes, when you have lain awake all night looking at the cracks in the ceiling, you remember that moment, those few, precious seconds when everything clicked into place and the world made sense. In the pit of your belly, you feel a cold knot of regret. All you can think, as the sky outside your window starts to lighten, is that, somewhere along the way, you lost something. Something fragile and beautiful that you can never get back. Also, you eat too much dairy. You might want to consider switching to soya milk.
IF YOU ANSWERED MOSTLY (C):
Tell no-one what happened here today. Do not tell your friends or family. Do not even tell your spouse/partner (delete as applicable). You are in grave danger. We all are. I prayed that this day would never come. God, how I prayed. But now it is upon us, and we are as twigs in the great river, swept along by forces that we, as twigs, do not understand. The water is deep and treacherous, with many dangers, such as rocks, fish and weirs. And remember, we’re just twigs, and hardly in a position to do anything about those dangers. But sometimes, just sometimes, if enough twigs work together, they can create a mighty dam and halt the river’s flow. Obviously, we’re talking about a lot of twigs here. And possibly a beaver. You could be that beaver. I know I said we were all twigs, but forget that. You’re not necessarily a twig. You have the potential to become either a twig or a beaver. You’re some kind of shapeshifting twig-beaver with no control of which one you’ll end up as. If you become a twig, you’ll be swept along with the rest of us. But if you become a beaver, things will be very different. Because of the whole dam thing I was talking about. Of course, you need more than just twigs to make a dam. You need mud. And that mud is our hard work and our belief in each other. That’s what binds us together. Along with the beaver. Which, as previously stated, is you. So, in conclusion, try to be more like a beaver.